on the not so brighter side, (stream of concsiousness)

we are eating healthier food, spending more time together, i am reading more. these are defiantly a direct reaction to diminished funds but they are positive changes.  i like to say i decided to leave my job and be a stay at home mom, because it made more scents economically, but the truth is i got sick. i couldn't go back to work with out a doctor saying what was wrong with me my diagnoses was not something i agreed with so i stopped going to the doctors . . .  but on the brighter side there is dried beans and rice and herbs i grew in my garden.
i was raised with out heath insurance, and as a defense a possibly unhealthy fear of western medicine took route in me. My original nuclear family still asks, "why are you sick?" thinking there is a weakness between the mind body connection or unhealthy habit that invites sickness and allows it to take root. i don't simple dismiss this theory either. the fear is i am unwell because i am weak, i am dishonest because i do not live to my full potential, because i have overwhelming amounts of justifiable fear. . . fear is the great American demotivator, it is intrinsic to most of the populations way of life. we fear we will no longer be able to tread water in the sea of debt which we find ourselves floating, we fear that our bodies will betray us, that our desires will destroy our connections to others, we are afraid of being alone and we are constantly shown the dangers of other through media as xenophobic racketeer.
but there was a brighter side to this economic decline which is a forced thoughtfulness through budget, with food cost increasing, i am remembering the forgotten ways, soaking beans growing herbs and vegetables, reading labels, making juice and milk and bread from scratch. and with the pride comes a splash oh shame because of the American class/cast system the yearning to be bourgeoisie amongst the proletariat . there is wealth obsession and money shame and with in all of that the non stop spinning of the tread mill grinding us into standardized little monotonous drones. . . and yet i miss it the 9-5 the paycheck, . . .  i feel such guilt for not working. even after realizing that my pay bearing covered my car and gas expenses and other misc. work expenses.
so the silver lining for me is the return to the earth, the ability to plant seeds to harvest them to make good foods, in living close enough to a community to walk to library and art galleries but far enough away to have silence at night and our own space. and yes the bank technically owns our house for the next 28 years but still its ours and things are hard but not insurmountable.  the future is unavoidable so i will work to hone it, it grow a health peaceful space.