on commitment. . . .
as an artist commitment is vital, you need to commit yourself to your image to your vision to gentle support and coax it in to being, as a mother some times it feels like commitment is not so much a choice but but biological edict and inescapable imperative, and as a bisexual commitment can feel like a betrayal or denile of self at first. . .
so how to commit with out entering into a labyrinth of self doubt, how do you hone out a direction to travel in . . . this is a difficult but not impossible task. currently i am overwhelmed but many wonderful opportunity open before me in terms of the art world, but i am also terrified of failure of wasting what little resources i have available, i want to make a good example for my kids, and be true to my self , but i also kinda want to just hid out in obscurity. my daughter said it best this morning, she said " i want to be a good artist not a famous artist ," nearly 4 and has the world figured out . . . feel like i might just be rambling need to focus . . . .
my goal of writing every day in November really fell short, with only 4 entries but i am going to try to be more diligent and open up more
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
on the not so brighter side, (stream of concsiousness)
we are eating healthier food, spending more time together, i am reading more. these are defiantly a direct reaction to diminished funds but they are positive changes. i like to say i decided to leave my job and be a stay at home mom, because it made more scents economically, but the truth is i got sick. i couldn't go back to work with out a doctor saying what was wrong with me my diagnoses was not something i agreed with so i stopped going to the doctors . . . but on the brighter side there is dried beans and rice and herbs i grew in my garden.
i was raised with out heath insurance, and as a defense a possibly unhealthy fear of western medicine took route in me. My original nuclear family still asks, "why are you sick?" thinking there is a weakness between the mind body connection or unhealthy habit that invites sickness and allows it to take root. i don't simple dismiss this theory either. the fear is i am unwell because i am weak, i am dishonest because i do not live to my full potential, because i have overwhelming amounts of justifiable fear. . . fear is the great American demotivator, it is intrinsic to most of the populations way of life. we fear we will no longer be able to tread water in the sea of debt which we find ourselves floating, we fear that our bodies will betray us, that our desires will destroy our connections to others, we are afraid of being alone and we are constantly shown the dangers of other through media as xenophobic racketeer.
but there was a brighter side to this economic decline which is a forced thoughtfulness through budget, with food cost increasing, i am remembering the forgotten ways, soaking beans growing herbs and vegetables, reading labels, making juice and milk and bread from scratch. and with the pride comes a splash oh shame because of the American class/cast system the yearning to be bourgeoisie amongst the proletariat . there is wealth obsession and money shame and with in all of that the non stop spinning of the tread mill grinding us into standardized little monotonous drones. . . and yet i miss it the 9-5 the paycheck, . . . i feel such guilt for not working. even after realizing that my pay bearing covered my car and gas expenses and other misc. work expenses.
so the silver lining for me is the return to the earth, the ability to plant seeds to harvest them to make good foods, in living close enough to a community to walk to library and art galleries but far enough away to have silence at night and our own space. and yes the bank technically owns our house for the next 28 years but still its ours and things are hard but not insurmountable. the future is unavoidable so i will work to hone it, it grow a health peaceful space.
i was raised with out heath insurance, and as a defense a possibly unhealthy fear of western medicine took route in me. My original nuclear family still asks, "why are you sick?" thinking there is a weakness between the mind body connection or unhealthy habit that invites sickness and allows it to take root. i don't simple dismiss this theory either. the fear is i am unwell because i am weak, i am dishonest because i do not live to my full potential, because i have overwhelming amounts of justifiable fear. . . fear is the great American demotivator, it is intrinsic to most of the populations way of life. we fear we will no longer be able to tread water in the sea of debt which we find ourselves floating, we fear that our bodies will betray us, that our desires will destroy our connections to others, we are afraid of being alone and we are constantly shown the dangers of other through media as xenophobic racketeer.
but there was a brighter side to this economic decline which is a forced thoughtfulness through budget, with food cost increasing, i am remembering the forgotten ways, soaking beans growing herbs and vegetables, reading labels, making juice and milk and bread from scratch. and with the pride comes a splash oh shame because of the American class/cast system the yearning to be bourgeoisie amongst the proletariat . there is wealth obsession and money shame and with in all of that the non stop spinning of the tread mill grinding us into standardized little monotonous drones. . . and yet i miss it the 9-5 the paycheck, . . . i feel such guilt for not working. even after realizing that my pay bearing covered my car and gas expenses and other misc. work expenses.
so the silver lining for me is the return to the earth, the ability to plant seeds to harvest them to make good foods, in living close enough to a community to walk to library and art galleries but far enough away to have silence at night and our own space. and yes the bank technically owns our house for the next 28 years but still its ours and things are hard but not insurmountable. the future is unavoidable so i will work to hone it, it grow a health peaceful space.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
spiting man
He is standing at the bus stop chewing up sunflower seeds and spiting them out, she stands back slightly horrified till she sees the birds gather. First only one, then three, then a flock swarming him, and he smiles and chews and spits and makes a calms purring sound from deep in his throat. It is such a joy to be of service, and such a small price to pay, a little bag of bird seed, and for a few minutes ha was on of the flock, the ever increasing diverse flock. The pigeons and sparrows and starling all jousting each other for his attention, for slightly masticated and saliva mixed sunflowers, he stops spiting a minute of two before the bus arrive. Knowing the time by a well tuned internal clock, the last of the birds are taking flight before the bus even turns the corner. when the climb the steps she decides to sit next to him, to learn his story and to share hers.
Monday, November 1, 2010
jane on train
Jane sat by the window, it was such a luxury, just sitting there watching the scenery zing by. She'd bought a round trip ticket, it would have been cheaper to go by bus, there was barely any money left after the price of the ticket, she was starting to feel silly. There with her pack on her lap, no real destination in mind, no real reason to be going other then the vague notion that the city would do her good. she'd heard a rumor that one of the art museums she'd always been interested in had free admission of Friday, and the other was suggested donation. she'd packed lunch and tea and sketchbook and journal saved up for two weeks. . . . and rather then being on the edge of her seat with excitement, she felt silly and alone, watching the mountains give way to the river and more and more buildings, like the city was something slowly spilling up stream. . . .
bisexual, artist, and mother.
i feel there is some unwritten taboo against writing about all of these characteristic in relation to one person, or expressing sexuality at all when rearing small children. so i am trying to try out these worries, trying to formulate the fears in a concrete matter, so as too live more honestly and a be a better, artist and mother, as for bisexuality, that's probably the most tumultuous part coming to terms with the bisexuality as a permanent part of my identity regardless of being in love with my partner and monogamous.
on bisexuality,
there are some pervasive and very harmful myths about bisexuals, their greedy, unfaithful, indecisive, unable to commit, really hetro/homosexual, just confused. i have been fully aware of my orientation since i was 14. the majority of my relationships have been monogamous, i have been married for over 5 years. and i must say that i am a damn fine partner.
my life has been made all the better by finding someone who accepts me, and loves every aspect of my identity, being honest with your partner from the beginning is key. you don't need to find another bisexual to relate to necessarily, its that kind of homogeneous xenophobic thinking that keeps everyone bigoted against everyone else,
other then being sexually excited by both men and women, bisexuality delights in defying the binary, seeing issues beyond just black and white or chocolate and vanilla, the bisexual celebrated the spectrum and infinite shades of gray, or may be this is part of my dyslexia bleeding through,
its a failing of our education system that we set information in impermeable bubbles, science, math, social studies, english, all information categorized in to these topics and never shall there be overlap. it this segregation of knowledge that systematically and subtly effects the societal interactions.
it breaks my heart when i see news stories of young people still committing suicide over being bullied in school due to the orientation, i was there over a decade ago, in the same shoes, high school er, bullied and suicidal(luckily unsuccessful on the 3rd), and between the 1990's and now not much has changed, fights for marriage freedoms have become more public but not much more successful, "don't ask. don't tell." is still in effect in the u.s. armed forces. and more often then not Homosexuals are regarded as comic relief in media. bisexual barely mentioned at all.
on being an artist
really its ok. it's a real job, a solid life choice, and a valid decision. it is not necessarily easy, but it should be fun, you only get one life, there is only this moment so you might as well be enjoying your self, and your thoughts your intentions and your final product is a part of you and should not be held up in comparisons to others works, you don't paint to be van gogh, you appreciate van gogh and paint to express your self, you don't write a poem to be your favorite beat, you can write poems to your favorite beats or keats if he is who you fancy. the point is art is a part of all of us, it is joy and wonder, and some time anguish, it is emotions bleeding through the medium effecting the audience, it is catharsis and laughter, and it is for the betterment of your soul. ( yeah i don't believe in much but i do believe in the soul)
on motherhood
stop the martyrdom! and try not to read parenting magazines they will only make you feel bad about yourself. it is a very hard job, it is a job, being a mother, and in the modern day and age where it's not enough to be a mom you need to decide if you can be a stay at home mom or be a working mother, a vaccinating or non vaccinating mother, a loca-vore, fregan, vegan, veterinarian, only organic, hypoallergenic, hmo free feeder, to co sleep or not, or maybe the attached to the bed but separate bed space solution, do you nurse or not and why, and how did you get pregnant, it's all these option that bring about so much doubt as to weather your "doing it right?"
there is no right way to be a mother, there is your way, the way that works for you and your child. i am a non-vaccinating, co-sleeping,crunchy hippi some times local and organic no pork feeding mom that got pregnant after having cervical cancer and being on the pill, it was not a concentionous effort but a happy occurrence.
i am a bisexual and artist and a mother, and for the month of November in 2010 i will be writing out, all the crazy nuances and joyful experiences that relate to being me. in celebration of national novel writing month,
this first entry was very autobiographical, i hope to work my way toward fiction and develop characters, i am leaving out actual names of myself, my children, and partner. out of respect and due to that fact that our global (internet) community is not as accepting as i hope it one day could be.
on bisexuality,
there are some pervasive and very harmful myths about bisexuals, their greedy, unfaithful, indecisive, unable to commit, really hetro/homosexual, just confused. i have been fully aware of my orientation since i was 14. the majority of my relationships have been monogamous, i have been married for over 5 years. and i must say that i am a damn fine partner.
my life has been made all the better by finding someone who accepts me, and loves every aspect of my identity, being honest with your partner from the beginning is key. you don't need to find another bisexual to relate to necessarily, its that kind of homogeneous xenophobic thinking that keeps everyone bigoted against everyone else,
other then being sexually excited by both men and women, bisexuality delights in defying the binary, seeing issues beyond just black and white or chocolate and vanilla, the bisexual celebrated the spectrum and infinite shades of gray, or may be this is part of my dyslexia bleeding through,
its a failing of our education system that we set information in impermeable bubbles, science, math, social studies, english, all information categorized in to these topics and never shall there be overlap. it this segregation of knowledge that systematically and subtly effects the societal interactions.
it breaks my heart when i see news stories of young people still committing suicide over being bullied in school due to the orientation, i was there over a decade ago, in the same shoes, high school er, bullied and suicidal(luckily unsuccessful on the 3rd), and between the 1990's and now not much has changed, fights for marriage freedoms have become more public but not much more successful, "don't ask. don't tell." is still in effect in the u.s. armed forces. and more often then not Homosexuals are regarded as comic relief in media. bisexual barely mentioned at all.
on being an artist
really its ok. it's a real job, a solid life choice, and a valid decision. it is not necessarily easy, but it should be fun, you only get one life, there is only this moment so you might as well be enjoying your self, and your thoughts your intentions and your final product is a part of you and should not be held up in comparisons to others works, you don't paint to be van gogh, you appreciate van gogh and paint to express your self, you don't write a poem to be your favorite beat, you can write poems to your favorite beats or keats if he is who you fancy. the point is art is a part of all of us, it is joy and wonder, and some time anguish, it is emotions bleeding through the medium effecting the audience, it is catharsis and laughter, and it is for the betterment of your soul. ( yeah i don't believe in much but i do believe in the soul)
on motherhood
stop the martyrdom! and try not to read parenting magazines they will only make you feel bad about yourself. it is a very hard job, it is a job, being a mother, and in the modern day and age where it's not enough to be a mom you need to decide if you can be a stay at home mom or be a working mother, a vaccinating or non vaccinating mother, a loca-vore, fregan, vegan, veterinarian, only organic, hypoallergenic, hmo free feeder, to co sleep or not, or maybe the attached to the bed but separate bed space solution, do you nurse or not and why, and how did you get pregnant, it's all these option that bring about so much doubt as to weather your "doing it right?"
there is no right way to be a mother, there is your way, the way that works for you and your child. i am a non-vaccinating, co-sleeping,crunchy hippi some times local and organic no pork feeding mom that got pregnant after having cervical cancer and being on the pill, it was not a concentionous effort but a happy occurrence.
i am a bisexual and artist and a mother, and for the month of November in 2010 i will be writing out, all the crazy nuances and joyful experiences that relate to being me. in celebration of national novel writing month,
this first entry was very autobiographical, i hope to work my way toward fiction and develop characters, i am leaving out actual names of myself, my children, and partner. out of respect and due to that fact that our global (internet) community is not as accepting as i hope it one day could be.
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